Running Diary: How I Ended Up Depressed on Brokeback Mountain

*Reader's note. This is an old running diary written a few weeks after the film's release.

Why did I see Brokeback Mountain? Two primary reasons. First, the more people make something seem taboo, or treat it as if it's some sort of Medusa that'll turn you to stone if you look at her (or in this case two gay cowboys that'll make you a homosexual), the more I want to see it. My curiosity (and my desire to do what I'm told not to) can get the best of me, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Secondly, while I do realize that I'm not Marty McFly (Back to the Future Reference, 100pts.) but when someone dares you to do something that the rebel in you is already begging to do, well it's almost enough to do it.
This is how I got there. Sitting in a theatre. A wee bit uncomfortable. (Read wee as the uncomfortable you feel when you're visiting some married friends, they have a huge argument right in front of you, ask you to take sides, and when you say nothing they tell each other to f*** off and leave you sitting by yourself in front of a television that only gets the Lifetime Channel). Without further adieux, my running diary from the

1:00p.m.showing.

1:08- They run a preview for a Beastie Boys concert film and a movie about a guy swimming the English Channel to make us feel more manly. It didn't work. But on a side note, I do plan to swim the channel in the next ten years. Wait and see.

1:18- Here comes the gentle acoustic guitar riffs and sweeping Wyoming mountainside vistas. We are now officially at the point of no return. If I leave now I can still catch the start of 16 Blocks. It's got rappers, Bruce Willis shooting people, everything a red blooded hetero could want. Or maybe Shaggy Dog? Yeah! I like dogs...hell, I've come this far. Time to cowboy up (you like that one? Yes, of course you do).

1:23- Jake Gyllenhall is Jack Twist. Heath Ledger is Enis Delmar (of the sea in Spanish). Enis and Jack Twist, huh? Oh boy. Jack asks Enis, "You ever rodeo?" "Once in a while, when I got the entry fee in my pocket," he answers. Double oh boy.

1:30- Seven or eight minutes of chopping wood, grabbing great big stones, lifting giant sacks into the air (think I'm joking? Go see it. Although, they're probably just hiding their food from bears. But still, lifting a giant sack? I'm starting to wonder about these cowboys).

1:31- Jack's doing his best to tame a strong, wild, stubborn horse. Enis watches. The English major in me says Enis is supposed to be the horse. I need popcorn. Right now. Sure wish I hadn't figured out that bit of symbolism.

1:36- Cowboys seem to eat an inordinate amount of beans. No lunch, so right now I'm craving a can of heated over the campfire, still in the can, beans. That doesn't make me gay, does it? Screw you guys.

1:41- Sundown on Brokeback and Enis just commented that "I may be a sinner, but I ain't yet had the opportunity." Jack has that twinkle in his eye. Damn, won't be long now. 16 Blocks and Shaggy Dog could still save me. They don't have real plots so getting there 45 minutes late wouldn't matter...no, I just can't quit this movie (buh dum dum.)

1:45- We're all in the tent now, and looks like we're liquored up. Jack attempts to spoon, Enis does it then freaks out. Are we fighting or—oh.

1:46- So that's what rough gay cowboy sex is. Well...okay then. On the positive side, the camera went back and forth between their faces, and it went fast, and...who am I kidding, I just groaned so loudly I think they heard me in the back row.

1:47- Enis finds a sheep (one of the several hundred Jack and he are supposed to be protecting) with it's guts gnawed out. Now, I'm all for symbolism, and there's a little in my novel, but that's just gross.

1:52- More tent love. I don't know what these two actors were paid, but they earned every cent. And in case you'd like to know, Jack is clearly the woman. He wantsa commitment from Enis, always sleeps in the tent, and his chest is as hairless as one of those creepy cats in the Austin Powers Movie. Enis's mangy, few bits of chest hair look like they were hastily CGI'd on in postproduction after Ang Lee realized that most Wyoming cowboys barely bathe when they're out on the range, much less take the time to shave off all their body hair. And by the way, this whole hairless thing pisses me of to no end. Anyways...

2:02- Flash forward four years. Enis is married to Alma, played by Michelle Williams, and they have two screaming kids. Seriously, I know babies cry, no problem. But these kids are producing blood curdling screams like I haven't heard since I yelled at the end of the last Matrix movie. By the way, I think that at birth Michelle Williams' face was compressed horizontally by two massive blocks of granite. Not too cute. But that didn't stop her from getting topless.

2:10- Here's Jack's wife. Look kids, it's the Princess Diaries girl, Anne Hathaway! I know this for two reasons. The commercials ran constantly on ESPN because they're owned by Walt Disney, who put out the movie. So while I was watching manly things, like football, I was forced to watch them. Two, she looks like a clown and it creeps me out. But that didn't stop her from getting topless.

2:18- Did Phillip Morris pay for this movie? I realize it's set in the late sixties through early eighties, but can we have one scene without someone lighting up? I think I have cancer now.

2:19- Jack's coming to visit Enis. Here comes the music. Enis streaks down the stairs and greets Jack by passionately pushing him against a wall and making out. Here's me in the movie theater, "Oh sh**!" Literally, that's what I said, at the top of my lungs, as we see Alma glance out the window and watch her husband do the tongue tango with his "fishin buddy." Right in front of his wife. His poor, face-scrunched wife.

2:21- Most Awkward Moment in a Movie This Decade. After saying hi to his buddy, Enis runs in and tells his wife he probably won't be home that night. The same wife who just saw him doing that thing he did to Jack. She says nothing. I think I have an ulcer for her.

2:42- Years pass, Enis gets divorced. Jack's in laws are meddling, bigoted psychopaths (at least the father. And trust me, I have personal experience with this type of father. God, thank you for making some girlfriends exgirlfriends.)

2:52- Whoa! We now officially have three reasonably hot girls in the movie! First it's the scary movie girl, Anna Faris, then it's ER/Scooby Doo girl, Linda Cardellini, and Enis's daughter Alma Jr. (not joking, that's her name), Kate Mara. And all three can act. Refreshing.

2:58- Here is where things stop getting funny, and start getting real (Real World reference, 15 pts.). Enis and Jack both have had some good one liners in the last hour, they're becoming very likeable (not in the like-like way, you jerks) and I'm really starting to feel sorry for them. They live in a world surrounded by total buttholes, especially Jack. But what do you expect? He lives in Texas. I'm really to the point where I wish they would just take off, everybody would leave them alone, and we could all go home. But pictures that get nominated for best film usually don't end well, and I've got a real sinking feeling in my stomach.

3:something- So rarely is my gut wrong. I'm not gonna ruin things for you and that's one reason I'm stopping, but if you liked the ending to Sleepless in Seattle, you may not like this one. (And yes, I realize I'm comparing a hetero romantic comedy to a gay cowboy tragedy. But can we not all just grow up and get out of everyone's personal business. And once more yes, I felt this way before I saw the movie. If Tom Cruise, O.J. Simpson, and Hugh Hefner can get hitched, then Jack and Enis should have the right as well. Anyways...).
As the credits roll, I have to admit I don't feel at all like I'd imagined. As hetero male, I worried this would be uncomfortable scene after the other. While some things were awkward for me, funny even, the main emotion I felt after seeing this film was sorrow. After nearly three hours, especially once the physical interaction died down, I no longer saw Jack and Enis as two gay cowboys, but rather as two individuals whose love was doomed from the start. Want a hetero equivalent? Go watch the Whiskey Lullaby music video or Rome & Juliet. This is the saddest film I have ever seen. More than Old Yeller, the aforementioned Romeo & Juliet, the third season of Farscape, or anything with Ben Affleck (zing!).