Thoughts from Beneath the Christmas Tree

As I attempt to dive back into the scalding hot pool that is thankless, barely read blogging, I think I’ll start off small. Not small like Miley Cyrus's pitch range small. More like Thomas Jane’s star power small. (Come on, you’ve seen Deep Blue Sea, Original Sin, The Punisher, and The Sweetest Thing, haven’t you?)

(Haven’t you?!)

(God I’ve seen too many movies.)

So, much like Kiefer Sutherland on a bender, I’m going to leap on top of your Christmas Tree and share a few impressions of the Holiday season thus far.

(Watch him go 24 all over this tree’s ass! Terrorist Tree)

First, there are no “can’t get items.” I’ve seen everything. Wii’s. Playstation 3’s. Don’t Molest Me Elmos (Scout Master Mace Repellent Included), and High School Musical flashlights. Everything is gettable. Think Lindsey Lohan if you’re a mammal with a pulse.

But if I thought one item would be a tough grab, I wagered it would be the Elvis-Priscilla Presley Getting Married Barbie Set. This was also high on my mom’s Christmas List. High as in number one.

Yes, she’s still obsessed with Barbie. No, she isn’t currently on any medication.

Back in September, nobody had it. Until I called a Wal-Mart in Deliverance, Tennessee. Some kindly, professional butcher of the English language had Bobby Joe check the security cage and, eureka, they found it. So at 2 in the morning I drove thirty minutes into no man’s land, armed only with a tank top and a scowl, and bought the sixty dollar doll set.

Why am I angry? I checked Amazon and Ebay last week. They’re currently selling at retail price…and below.

Second, I’ve discovered the key to happiness. It’s the introductory scene in Alvin & the Chipmunks. Go ahead. Think of something that will enrage you. Billion dollar handouts to senators’ corporate chums. Bush refusing to place the polar bears on the endangered species list. Baseball players scoffing at 8 year, 23 million dollar per year contracts. Tim Tebow circumcising little Philippine boys in the college football off season.

Good and mad? Watch the first minute of this.

Had a Bad Day

Are you not happy? Good, I thought so. Because the only creatures who wouldn’t enjoy that are Satan, Oprah, and Dick Cheney.

No, I’m being too harsh. Satan might like it.

Lastly, the American Movie Classic Channel has officially gone Tom Cruise crazy. You know how they always run the “if you like (insert movie), then check out (insert another similar movie).”

Here’s the last one I saw.

If you are enjoying Karate Kid, then watch Million Dollar Baby next Friday night.

Makes sense.

If you enjoy a family movie about a sweet kid overcoming his own weaknesses and defeating a gang of bullies, then you'd love a film centered upon assisted suicide. Not since Sarah Palin combined a press conference with turkey executions have two such dissimilar things been paired together. (Sarah the Barbarian)

This got me thinking. What could be a worse suggestion on AMC’s part? Let’s try a few.

If you’re enjoying Enchanted, then check out Fatal Attraction.

If you’re enjoying My Dog Skip, then watch Old Yeller.

If you’re getting into Fiddler on the Roof, then flip over to Schinlder’s List.

Feel free to make your own suggestions. The winner of the most terrible double feature suggestion will win a shout out on my blog. Read by myself, and occasionally Christian Slater.

He has nothing better to do now that his laughable show has been canceled.

OH! And did you read my Name Game post? Did I not so totally call the demise of My Own Worst Enemy?

Why am I not consulted about network programming.? Ah well, happy holidays.