Magical Funtime Election 2008: Wonka Violates Helpless Animals

Ladies and gentlemen, loompas and elves, a lot has been made of my record on skin wash. Let me assure you that I want all skin-blemished loompas to have affordable access to facial cleansers.

Now let me give you some direct talk from the direct talk express.

Willy Wonka fornicates with reindeer.

Fifteen years ago he sat on a board that studied the effect of gaseous Reindeer anal emissions on the ozone layer.

He and his hippie buddies, no doubt high after slurping down shots from the infamous Butterscotch Schnapps River that runs through the center of that Gomorra he calls a chocolate factory, had gathered to promote a scientific theory that reindeer emissions are causing some kind of global warming.

First off, other than the increased number of polar bear carcasses washing up on my front door, my increased comfort level in cargo shorts and Hawaiian t-shirts, and the new orange groves sprouting up in my backyard, there is no proof that this “warming” exists.

Heck, only 99,999,999 out of 1,000,000,000 scientists believe it’s anything more than a fanciful, merit less theory.

Second, we have camera footage of him violating a Reindeer to prove this egghead theory.

All in the name of science. Whatever the hell science is.

While it’s true the footage was lost in an unfortunate sled crash, you can believe this happened because I said it.

Willy Wonka.

He prods reindeer in the pooper.

What in God's name will he do to your children?

I’m Santa Claus, and I approve this message.

Paid for by Reindeer Against Cold Thermometers.