Unwanted

I recently viewed the movie Wanted. The special effects appeared neat and a friend wanted to go, so I went.

God help me. I went.

This film is a crapfest in the truest sense of the made-up word. The movie opens (and continues on like a steam engine into a concrete wall) with an awkward narrative by the film’s main character, played by the dentally challenged (no, that’s not a typo) James McAvoy. The Scottish accent, his only charming trait, is hidden, though his troglodyte chompers are not. There is a reason I couldn't find a single pic of him smiling and showing his teeth. But perhaps I'm being too superficial.

Back to the narrative. Ever seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? Notice how well his narration and lines aimed at the film’s audience worked? Wanted is like that, only if Paris Hilton and a retarded monkey—no, that’s not accurate—only if Paris Hilton and M Night Shyamalan wrote the script. Meaning it’s utterly stupid and boring to the point where I actually prayed the hyperactive statue of pubescence running the projector would spill his Code Mountain Dew and end my torture.

The story plods along with ridiculous concepts, such as the loom of fate (ba buh buh!) Yeppers, that’s what decides who Morgan Freeman’s secret society of assassins must kill. A literal textile loom weaves binary code, which is then checked with a magnifying glass by Freeman, and translated into an ordered assassination. That’s not sarcasm. That’s actually what the writers came up with. (Quit looking ath the loom! He'll kill ya!)

The other great farce is how they bend the bullets—the one thing that looked cool about this celebration of suck. Want to know how they do it? Here’s Freeman’s explanation.
“If no one ever told you bullets only shot straight, why would you think you couldn’t curve the shot?”

The Oompa Loompa Wrangler would think that you can be as ignorant as you want of basic physics and aerodynamics, but he’ll wipe your butt and call you Sally if you can make the bullet bend just because you decided to cup your ears during freshman Physical Science 101. Honestly, how can these writers not slit their wrists and rid the world of their hackery?

The film, after one or two scenes that met my approval only because they took screen violence to knew heights (such as all the explosive headshots, or the part where McAvoy shoots three guys with a gun he has lodged in another man’s eyesocket) ends with a mass suicide/killing and McAvoy insulting the audience. He drones on about how boring the average person’s life is, shoots someone, then says, “What the fu—did you today?” Roll credits and lame, testosterone drenched rock song.

The acting was magnificent in its atrociousness. Angelina Jolie cashed in on a paycheck and sleepwalked through the film, making it a long time since she showed off any true acting chops. Morgan Freeman became a caricature of a good guy you know is secretly bad, and uttered an expletive at the end that was so out of character it would be like Michael Vick doing a voice over for Pound Puppies.

If you see this movie showing at your theater, you should consider burning the theater down. It’s what the Loom of Fate demands!

My Grade: D--(Why not an F? Because I got to see a dude firing a handgun that was located in another dude’s skull, blowing out holes and chips of bone and brain AND hitting other dudes with the same shots. That’s good for two minuses.)