The Great Plague of Washington D.C.
Politics is my second passion, just behind stealing toilet paper from upscale restaurants. And while you won’t see me on Hardball being covered in Chris Matthews shout-slobber, or doing interviews with CNN’s very own Duke of Dull, Anderson Cooper, you are privileged to have me reporting live from the wrangler’s den.
Briefly, I’d like to discuss a frightening new disease that’s sweeping through D.C. and infecting politicians on both sides of the isle. I’m talking, of course, about Lasting Inability to Accept Reality, or LIAR’s.
First Case Study: George W. Bush, President (R), United States
On May 1st 2003, aboard the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, the great dumbass cowboy of our time said: “In the Battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed. And now our coalition is engaged in securing and reconstructing that country.”
However, insurgents from Iran, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and every other Middle Eastern country that ends in the two letters –AN did not agree with this assessment. They also forgot to mention this to the Sunni and the Shiite, who seem to get along slightly less well than FEMA and coastal cities.
Reality: Nearly 4,000 troops killed as of May 1st 2008.
Dubya Reality: This is an interesting case because his divergent reality is two-fold. First, he...ahem...his spokespeople say that he only meant combat operations were over for that particular ship. I know, I know, you think I’m making this up.
Well then here’s this little tidbit from White House press secretary Dana Perino:
“President Bush is well aware that the banner should have been much more specific and said 'mission accomplished' for these sailors who are on this ship on their mission.” “And we have certainly paid a price for not being more specific on that banner.”
Second, Bush has an alternate reality facilitator. An evil wizard that keeps him submerged in a dastardly spell, a spell that convinces him that his poop smells like cotton candy, global warming is great because we can have orange groves in Alaska, and the war is going swimmingly.
It’s the man who even tells his own mother to go f*** herself—Darth Cheney.
What lies could he possibly be whispering into Dubya’s ear? What could he say to make Bush think he’s Tom Cruise in Risky Business, making all the right moves while the serious adults are out of the White House?
We’ll let shotgun Cheney speak for himself:
“Think about what would have happened if Abraham Lincoln had paid attention to polls, if they had had polls during the Civil War. He never would have succeeded if he hadn't had a clear objective, a vision for where he wanted to go, and he was willing to withstand the slings and arrows of the political wars in order to get there.”
Diagnosis: A person free of LIAR’s, that actually lives in this realm, must tell Dubya that he’s not Abraham Lincoln and I.E.D.’s are not the Iraqi equivalent of flowers and candy.
(The Associated Press contributed to this report.)
Second Case Study: Larry Craig, Senator (R), Idaho.
The good senator from Idaho once said of Bill Clinton, “I will tell you that the Senate certainly can bring about a censure resolution and it's a slap on the wrist. It's a, ‘Bad boy, Bill Clinton. You're a naughty boy.’”
As it turns out, old Craiggers decided to engage in some naughtiness of the more freaky variety himself. And he didn’t even need an intern.
According to Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport police Sgt. Dave Karsnia, the Craig Mac Daddy tapped his right foot, “a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct.” Craig then ran his left hand several times underneath the partition dividing the stalls.
Karsnia explained that Craig's blue eyes were clearly visible through the crack in the door.
"Craig would look down at his hands, 'fidget' with his fingers, and then look through the crack into my stall again,” Karsnia wrote in documents accompanying the arrest report.
“The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot, which was within my stall area.”
After Craig ran his hand underneath the partition wall three times, Karsnia held his police identification down by the floor so the senator could see it, the report said.
“With my left hand near the floor, I pointed towards the exit.
(Here comes this wrangler’s favorite part!!!)
“Craig responded, 'No!'
“I again pointed towards the exit. Craig exited the stall with his roller bags without flushing the toilet.”
Reality: Craiggers wanted to get his horndog on with another man in a bathroom stall and signaled this by using a method common to all other horndogs who find airport bathroom stalls hot. (Paris Hilton, George Michael, and Pee Wee Herman are names that immediately come to mind.)
And Craig, while turned on by white ceramic tile and strange, sweaty palms, is still clearly a rude male as he neglected to flush the toilet.
Craig plead guilty to disorderly conduct
Craig’s Reality (as of 2 months later when his fellow homophobes turned on him and wanted his resignation):
“Let me be clear: I am not gay and never have been," said Craig, who has aligned himself with conservative groups who oppose gay rights.
With his wife by his side, Craig said he is the victim of a "witch hunt" conducted by the Idaho Statesman newspaper.
“In pleading guilty, I overreacted in Minneapolis, because of the stress of the Idaho Statesman's investigation and the rumors it has fueled around Idaho,” he said. “Again, that overreaction was a mistake, and I apologize for my misjudgment.”
Diagnosis: A “hands down” case of LIAR’s. Let us hope that Craig seeks treatment so that he can once again join us in reality.
(CNN's Dana Bash and Jessica Yellin contributed to this report.)
Third Case Study: Hillary Clinton, Senator (D), New York
“I’ll be making no decisions tonight.”
Most people would assume that, with those words, Hillary Clinton effectively shot Barack Obama the middle finger. That she is the worst sore loser in the history of U.S. politics, or at least of this century.
(Let us not forget Chester A. Arthur, our 21st president (1881-1885). He tied his victorious primary opponent to a horse and dragged him through a cactus field until the man bled to death and he was named the nominee. Okay, so I made that up.)
Some people might think she is being tyrannically stubborn by not acknowledging the race is over, especially considering that Obama has clinched the official number of delegates to make him the democratic nominee (not the “presumptive” nominee, THE democratic nominee for president.)
But it’s not true. Hillary simply has a severe case of LIAR’s and has chose to substitute her reality for the actual one.
Reality: The race is over. There are no more delegates to be had. Florida and Michigan made a power play to be moved up in the primary schedule and lost. Their votes have been rationed out to Obama and Clinton.
Hill-Nasty’s Reality: The race will be over when she wins it. She’s put up with too much (Bill, I’m looking in your specific direction) over the years to stop now. She had this race wrapped up two years ago. She had every democrat vote. Black, white, guy and gal. SHE HAD IT. All until some political neophyte with a funny name started making speeches and making her appear to be the “establishment” candidate. Even the sleeper cell evil radicalist Muslim card didn’t stop him.
Now her surrogates must go out and tell all that mean old media (the same mean old media that made Bill Clinton’s perjury look like jaywalking and broadcast her “evil, rightwing conspiracy” message everyday during her boy’s impeachment proceedings) that they are the reason she lost.
Her people are even saying that she’s now considering her options and how best to proceed. And no, that doesn’t sound like the captain of the Titanic deciding on the best route to sail after the ship was hit by an iceberg.
The path to victory is simple for her now. Hill-dog can win more primaries and overtake him.
She just has to find a way to add some more states to the union.
Diagnosis: If Hillary is not made President, she will tear a hole in the space-time continuum and kill us all. She may be afflicted with severe LIAR’s, but please, think of you children. Just give it to her already.
Briefly, I’d like to discuss a frightening new disease that’s sweeping through D.C. and infecting politicians on both sides of the isle. I’m talking, of course, about Lasting Inability to Accept Reality, or LIAR’s.
First Case Study: George W. Bush, President (R), United States
On May 1st 2003, aboard the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, the great dumbass cowboy of our time said: “In the Battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed. And now our coalition is engaged in securing and reconstructing that country.”
However, insurgents from Iran, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and every other Middle Eastern country that ends in the two letters –AN did not agree with this assessment. They also forgot to mention this to the Sunni and the Shiite, who seem to get along slightly less well than FEMA and coastal cities.
Reality: Nearly 4,000 troops killed as of May 1st 2008.
Dubya Reality: This is an interesting case because his divergent reality is two-fold. First, he...ahem...his spokespeople say that he only meant combat operations were over for that particular ship. I know, I know, you think I’m making this up.
Well then here’s this little tidbit from White House press secretary Dana Perino:
“President Bush is well aware that the banner should have been much more specific and said 'mission accomplished' for these sailors who are on this ship on their mission.” “And we have certainly paid a price for not being more specific on that banner.”
Second, Bush has an alternate reality facilitator. An evil wizard that keeps him submerged in a dastardly spell, a spell that convinces him that his poop smells like cotton candy, global warming is great because we can have orange groves in Alaska, and the war is going swimmingly.
It’s the man who even tells his own mother to go f*** herself—Darth Cheney.
What lies could he possibly be whispering into Dubya’s ear? What could he say to make Bush think he’s Tom Cruise in Risky Business, making all the right moves while the serious adults are out of the White House?
We’ll let shotgun Cheney speak for himself:
“Think about what would have happened if Abraham Lincoln had paid attention to polls, if they had had polls during the Civil War. He never would have succeeded if he hadn't had a clear objective, a vision for where he wanted to go, and he was willing to withstand the slings and arrows of the political wars in order to get there.”
Diagnosis: A person free of LIAR’s, that actually lives in this realm, must tell Dubya that he’s not Abraham Lincoln and I.E.D.’s are not the Iraqi equivalent of flowers and candy.
(The Associated Press contributed to this report.)
Second Case Study: Larry Craig, Senator (R), Idaho.
The good senator from Idaho once said of Bill Clinton, “I will tell you that the Senate certainly can bring about a censure resolution and it's a slap on the wrist. It's a, ‘Bad boy, Bill Clinton. You're a naughty boy.’”
As it turns out, old Craiggers decided to engage in some naughtiness of the more freaky variety himself. And he didn’t even need an intern.
According to Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport police Sgt. Dave Karsnia, the Craig Mac Daddy tapped his right foot, “a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct.” Craig then ran his left hand several times underneath the partition dividing the stalls.
Karsnia explained that Craig's blue eyes were clearly visible through the crack in the door.
"Craig would look down at his hands, 'fidget' with his fingers, and then look through the crack into my stall again,” Karsnia wrote in documents accompanying the arrest report.
“The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot, which was within my stall area.”
After Craig ran his hand underneath the partition wall three times, Karsnia held his police identification down by the floor so the senator could see it, the report said.
“With my left hand near the floor, I pointed towards the exit.
(Here comes this wrangler’s favorite part!!!)
“Craig responded, 'No!'
“I again pointed towards the exit. Craig exited the stall with his roller bags without flushing the toilet.”
Reality: Craiggers wanted to get his horndog on with another man in a bathroom stall and signaled this by using a method common to all other horndogs who find airport bathroom stalls hot. (Paris Hilton, George Michael, and Pee Wee Herman are names that immediately come to mind.)
And Craig, while turned on by white ceramic tile and strange, sweaty palms, is still clearly a rude male as he neglected to flush the toilet.
Craig plead guilty to disorderly conduct
Craig’s Reality (as of 2 months later when his fellow homophobes turned on him and wanted his resignation):
“Let me be clear: I am not gay and never have been," said Craig, who has aligned himself with conservative groups who oppose gay rights.
With his wife by his side, Craig said he is the victim of a "witch hunt" conducted by the Idaho Statesman newspaper.
“In pleading guilty, I overreacted in Minneapolis, because of the stress of the Idaho Statesman's investigation and the rumors it has fueled around Idaho,” he said. “Again, that overreaction was a mistake, and I apologize for my misjudgment.”
Diagnosis: A “hands down” case of LIAR’s. Let us hope that Craig seeks treatment so that he can once again join us in reality.
(CNN's Dana Bash and Jessica Yellin contributed to this report.)
Third Case Study: Hillary Clinton, Senator (D), New York
“I’ll be making no decisions tonight.”
Most people would assume that, with those words, Hillary Clinton effectively shot Barack Obama the middle finger. That she is the worst sore loser in the history of U.S. politics, or at least of this century.
(Let us not forget Chester A. Arthur, our 21st president (1881-1885). He tied his victorious primary opponent to a horse and dragged him through a cactus field until the man bled to death and he was named the nominee. Okay, so I made that up.)
Some people might think she is being tyrannically stubborn by not acknowledging the race is over, especially considering that Obama has clinched the official number of delegates to make him the democratic nominee (not the “presumptive” nominee, THE democratic nominee for president.)
But it’s not true. Hillary simply has a severe case of LIAR’s and has chose to substitute her reality for the actual one.
Reality: The race is over. There are no more delegates to be had. Florida and Michigan made a power play to be moved up in the primary schedule and lost. Their votes have been rationed out to Obama and Clinton.
Hill-Nasty’s Reality: The race will be over when she wins it. She’s put up with too much (Bill, I’m looking in your specific direction) over the years to stop now. She had this race wrapped up two years ago. She had every democrat vote. Black, white, guy and gal. SHE HAD IT. All until some political neophyte with a funny name started making speeches and making her appear to be the “establishment” candidate. Even the sleeper cell evil radicalist Muslim card didn’t stop him.
Now her surrogates must go out and tell all that mean old media (the same mean old media that made Bill Clinton’s perjury look like jaywalking and broadcast her “evil, rightwing conspiracy” message everyday during her boy’s impeachment proceedings) that they are the reason she lost.
Her people are even saying that she’s now considering her options and how best to proceed. And no, that doesn’t sound like the captain of the Titanic deciding on the best route to sail after the ship was hit by an iceberg.
The path to victory is simple for her now. Hill-dog can win more primaries and overtake him.
She just has to find a way to add some more states to the union.
Diagnosis: If Hillary is not made President, she will tear a hole in the space-time continuum and kill us all. She may be afflicted with severe LIAR’s, but please, think of you children. Just give it to her already.
(click http://youtube.com/watch?v=kN9vm95SocU for Hillary's official themse song, her love song to the Oval Office. She keeps losing the nomination. But then that political power bug bites her...and she's back!)
posted by the Brad at
6:14 PM
6 Comments:
Hey Brad! Thanks for stopping by my blog and saying "howdy!"
Love your blog. Very witty! :0)
Christy
I think I'm in love. Let us marry and discuss how much I agree with every bloody word you're written here.
In all seriousness though, I couldn't have said it better. My goodness, a case of LIAR'S is EXACTLY what it is. Thanks for making me laugh before a looming - as in this morning - graduation ceremony I'm not so sure I'm ready to attend (not my own btw).
Why thank you, Ms. Adaora. I lost my left ring finger wrangling a particularly rowdy oompa, so I'd be a lousy groom.
Most graduations are a dreadfully dull experience. I'll pray for you.
You did? What a shame. That's too bad. We would have been like Bonie and Clyde if you get my drift. ^_^
Thanks for the prayers, it actually went OK. I even managed to cheer as well - not too much though, just the right amount.
Now it's hot as hell over here and I have to go out and manage to wear as little as is socially acceptable and keep cool while doing it.
DUDE!
I'm glad to see my extremely long posts are not the only ones in the blog-0-sphere of wordwrangling blog-o-nauts. (ignore all the hyphens if they aren't supposed to be there. I excel in creative writing...not punctuation and grammar)
Anyway, whether I agree or not -- you're posts always make me chuckle...and think.
(again, ignore the hypens and the ...s. I clearly don't know how to use them properly)
Thanks, wrangler. Length always sneaks up on me. Everytime I blog I swear I'm going to keep it short, then it always grows and grows. If I could learn to keep it brief, I could do more.
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