All this fuss over Beowulf?
"What's the big deal?"I like violent movies. Scratch that, I like wildly violent movies that make angels sob tears of blood. Gratuitous violence, much like any sentence spoken by Fred Thompson (his voice is like a bag of gravel mixed with laziness) or Hillary Clinton's Joker like cackle that she uses to avoid answering questions critical of her (http://youtube.com/watch?v=gPcqy0pvdsI&feature=related), is funny.
Hit somebody with a bus. Snicker. Lop off someone's head with a lawnmower blade. Chuckle. Cut three or four hundred people in half with a broken cable. I'm on the ground struggling for a breath (I'm referencing Ghost Ship. This movie has the greatest opening scene in film history. Don't believe me, eh? Go watch it here.) (http://youtube.com/watch?v=icWBbAA9J-U&feature=related).
So needless to say, I'm psyched about the new Beowulf flick. Just the previews alone showed a dude being skewered on what looked like a chandelier. And the possibility of seeing this in digital 3D had me giddier than Tom Cruise at a Bette Midler concert.
One of my movie selecting habits is to check out the user reviews on Yahoo. I scanned the critics reviews, and they were all fairly good, especially considering this movie is mostly meant to be eye candy. So I assumed the user reviews would be just as good. Nope. They appear to be 2/3 positive, and 1/3 written by the retarded, cro-magnon love child of Alan Jackson and Reba McEntire. Let me share with you some quotes from the Play-Do eating reviewers.
1. This film is way too gory.
So in the trailer, when Beowulf says, "I am ripper! Tearer! Slasher," you thought he was applying for a job at the Pottery Barn's fabric department?
2. The CG Naked, painted-up Jolie is one of the few things more sickening to look at than a live action naked, painted-up Jolie.
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Yeah, that's a pretty common criticism of Angelina Jolie. She's just so darned ugly. Honestly, this one has me speechless.3. Wanna waste Twenty dollars and give your otherwise non-sexual nine-year-old their first boner? Then take your entire family to Beowulf, the first PG-13 porno ever made. I couldn't decide whether I enjoyed the CGI breasts or the Penile Innuendo more.
Breasts. The correct answer to this question is CGI Breasts. Mark your papers accordingly.
As much credit as I'd like to give them for using the phrase "penile innuendo," even Britney Spears wouldn't take a nine-year old to see this PG-13 version of Beowulf. And no, Kevin Federline doesn't count.
4. When we arrived we were thrilled that we got tickets, but once we got into the show and the movie started we knew it was not going to be what we expected. I was EXTREMELY disappointed with the fact that it was animated.
Isn't that like being disappointed upon finding that the sun is warm, or British food tastes like boiled toilet paper? Did you not see the commercials? Did you think the whole computer animation thing was just a joke? That they couldn't afford to shoot live action trailers? Please God, smite the stupid.
5. I'm not sure but i think he does it with a mermaid.
Okay, so now I have to go see this movie. It sounds more than deserving of a running diary.
And I hope the mermaid is Ariel.
posted by the Brad at
12:29 PM
8 Comments:
I am a fan of violent films - but more in the line of battle violence. I am less a fan of horror violence. I think it is because I love anything where people are fighting each other but less infatuated with people screaming and fleeing violence. So I loved 300 and will probably really like Beowulf.
and I just love stupid people comments. They make such great blog fodder, huh?
And I've linked you!
Thank you Ello. My goal is to have enough minions thatI can take over the world and force a literary agent to represent me.
So welcome to the minions of Brad. T-shirts are not yet available.
That sounds like that WB cartoon the Pinky and the Brain. But I refuse to be Pinky.
So what type of book are you writing? Where are you at?
FYI - I finished my novel which is a WWII historical based on the Pacific theater and am in the query stage. Check out my REjecting the rejection letter I wrote after my tenth instarejection.
http://randomactsofunkindness.blogspot.com/2007/10/rejecting-rejection.html
You have to fill me in on what you are doing! Would love to hear. Have a happy thanksgiving and I hope you pop by my blog next week for my writing picture prompt exercise.
My husband and I opted for No Country for Old Men last night. Now THAT was some gratuitous violence (and not the kind ello would have liked).
The reviews for that movie have been off the charts, but I couldn't find a plot to save my life. Guess if your last name is Coen you can get away with it.
Tommy Lee Jones was great, though.
That's on my list for holiday season viewing. I love the Coen bro's (except fot the Ladykillers. I don't know what that was all about.)
I have another runnig diary coming soon (30 Days of Night,), so check back if you like. Thanks for perusing my blog.
Ah, yes, it's an uplifting holiday season movie, for sure.
Actually, you might well love it. I knew going in I wouldn't like it ... even Fargo had too much gore for me. I mostly went for the "chit."
Now, the next time I want to see a romantic comedy, my husband will take me, and no groaning allowed!
:)
My husband is crazy about gratuitous violence too, as long as it is impersonal and involves lots of crashes and special effects. I'm fine with it until it gets personal and mean. I've seen plenty of real-life blood and guts and that doesn't bother me a bit -- but wanton, perverted cruelty does. Cape Fear scared the living hell out of me -- seriously. I couldn't look at a Robert DeNiro movie for ages after that.
We saw Beowolf the other day, and although my kids are typical teens who can see all sorts of carnage without batting an eye, they found Beowolf shockingly violent. My husband and I adored it. The only thing I found weird was the accents and the samey-ness of the women's facial features. All the women sounded like Disney Moms and looked like Princess Fiona's Mom in Shrek.
Another thing that I thought was weird was the fact that it was supposed to take place in Denmark, but it was filled with mountains. I've been to Denmark a couple of times, and there isn't a mountain in sight. Yeah, I know. Me, the pedant -- I can't help myself.
Princess Fiona's mom from Shrek...that's good.
I'm mostly with you on the violence. I can handle most anything against humans (none against animals), though I'll say I've never enjoyed many torture movies, like Turistas or the Saw flciks(I've only seen the first one).
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