I Heart Crazy People: Kanye West

As I was baking another double batch of spicy cheese biscuits (because that’s what nobody-writers do on a Thursday morning), I began to question my own sanity. I found myself smiling at the thought that I might be a little off in the noggin. Why would I smile? Then I realized, I have a genuine affinity for insanity. I don’t mean fake crazy, like Ann Coulter or Rosie O’Donnell.

And I don't mean the hobo on the street muttering about the hordes of robotic wasps buzzing about his head. (By the way, just give them cash. Yes, they’re going to buy liquor. I’m shocked and appalled. A homeless person with a drinking problem, who knew? But honestly, if you lived in a cardboard box that was insulated by your own excrement, what would you want? The answer is not a roast beef sandwich from Arby’s. Unless you were low on insulation.)

This isn’t any of the Jackass guys, either, drenching their man jewels in honey to see if grizzly bears can get it without turning them into publicity-seeking, no-talent eunuch hacks, instead of just publicity-seeking, no-talent hacks (and I loved the movies).

I mean actually, clinically insane, as judged by a panel of medical professionals. Honest to goodness, Grade A nut-balls. I’m beginning a series of my favorites, in no particular order.

***Kanye West—He ain’t messin with no Gold-diggaz, but I can see him setting your car on fire if you reject his call.

This guy is extremely talented, and the only recent artist whose albums I’ve bought at the store. I didn’t get it off iTunes or...borrow it from the music sharing ether.

But he’s out of his gourd, to be sure. He’s thrown a fit at every major awards show. (Because at every awards show he gets screwed worse than Jenna Jameson at a satyromaniac’s convention. Look that word up on dictionary.reference.com. I’m nothing if not an educator.) The guy’s even threatening a joint boycott of MTV with 50 Cent. Priceless.

Another example that he’s a lyrical Norman Bates—his Katrina telethon tirade against George “the gunslinger who never actually fired a bullet” Bush. As Mike Myers stood next to him in horror, his expression amazingly terrified (like how you’d look if you’d just seen Mr. Rogers deep-fry Big Bird alive or just listened to the new Carrie Underwood album), Kanye said flatly, “George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people.”

Now the statement itself is debatable. In fact, I believe Kanye is completely wrong. It’s not that Dubya doesn’t care about black people, he doesn’t care about people. (Alright, that’s kind of a joke. I say kind of because he’s a self-described compassionate-conservative. Which means if you get trapped in a flooded city he’ll pray real hard that you can swim.)

Kanye on Katrina---->http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIUzLpO1kxI
So with Mr. West the matter boils down to this: How many of us go ape sh** when things don’t go our way? When I received rejections on my first novel, I always responded with polite thanks.

However, I’m thinking of invoking WWKD, what would Kanye do? So after the next rejection, I’m going to the agent’s house, sit outside with a megaphone, and start reading my entire book. The unedited edition. 150K words of Braddy goodness.

Am I really going to do this? No. Why wouldn’t I, why wouldn’t you, do this? Because we’re not crazy. Well....you're not.