I Heart Crazy People: Lindsay Lohan

This is your brain.

This is your brain on crack rock and dance clubs.

Lindsay Lohan—Do you remember when curvalicious Lindsey was in Mean Girls, all funny and radiating the hotness, before she went on the starvation diet? Those were the days. The days before she started doing movies where she plays the most freckled stripper in history, looking like she’s been dipped in Elmer’s glue and showered with seed ticks.

Now poor Lindsay is into more illegal activities, and I don’t mean stealing teenage boys’ hearts (come on, admit it, you’re snickering at that one). She’s been arrested for driving under the influence, possession of cocaine, transporting a narcotic into a custody facility and driving on a suspended license. (I particularly like the drug smuggling into rehab charge. How bad off do you have to be to sneak drugs into detox? Even the lovechild of Robert Downey Jr. and Tara Reid thinks that’s messed up.)


And now, in another excellent (and when I say excellent, I mean excellent like, “Excellent, I just drove a nail through my retina) example of good decision making, she is being sued for assault and negligence.


In case you haven’t kept up with this story (and good for if you haven’t), here’s the report from TMZ.com. My comments are in parentheses:
Dante Nigro, Jakon Sutter and Ronnie Blake drove to Malibu with the boyfriend of Lindsay Lohan's assistant. Lindsay and her assistant ran into Dante and friends. Later, the assistant text-messaged Dante, saying Lindsay wanted to invite him to a Malibu party that night.


Later, Dante says, he and his friends drove to the party. Dante and the assistant's boyfriend were let in, but Jakon and Ronnie were rejected and stayed outside. Dante says Lindsay was never without a drink during the evening and he even did a shot with her.

At one point, Lindsay's assistant and her boyfriend walked outside and got into an argument. Lindsay came out and got angry at her assistant. The assistant then said, "I quit," which enraged Lindsay. Dante and crew were ready to leave. The GMC Denali they were in belonged to Dante, but he was sitting in the front passenger seat. Ronnie and Jakon were in the back seat. The assistant's boyfriend was behind the wheel. The keys were in the ignition when the assistant's boyfriend got out and continued the argument with his girlfriend. The assistant then got in her car and left.

According to the group, Lindsay suddenly jumped in the driver's seat of the Denali, started the engine and began driving -- chasing the assistant's car. Ronnie says he was so fearful, he jumped out of the vehicle as it accelerated. Just as he hit the ground, he says Lindsay ran over his foot and just kept going.


(Of course she didn’t stop. No goal oriented person would stop just because they hit ANOTHER HUMAN with a car. I like this girl. She’s driven. Pun intended.)

Dante and Jakon say Lindsay then hit Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu. Dante says he tried to grab the wheel, prompting Lindsay to say, "If you touch me I'll sue you." Jakon says they pleaded with her to stop.

(So if you want a car all you have to do is carjack it, and then threaten to sue them if they touch you? The next time that BMW 3 series comes down my street, they’re in for a surprise. They’re so much I can learn from this girl.)

Dante says they were going 100 mph. They say Lindsay caught up with the assistant and began doing circles on PCH, around the assistant's car.

(She did circles people! Like a gang of Hell’s angels closing in on a lost tourist, she did circles! Like an angry pirate looping a ship he plans to commandeer for booty and riches, she did circles! THAT is how you motivate people to see things your way. The next time I ask a girl out on a date, I’m going to get in my He-Man cozy coupe, the one with tassels at the end of the plastic handle bars, and peddle as hard as I can until they’re scared into saying yes.)

They say at one point, Lindsay boasted, "I can't get in trouble. I'm a celebrity. I can do whatever the f*** I want."

(No argument there. As soon as I get a book deal I’m going to O’Charley’s and ask for extra salad dressing even when I’m 99% sure I won’t need it. And I’m not even going to feel bad, because I’ll be a celebrity.)

The now former assistant finally lost Lindsay on PCH. Dante says Lindsay thought the assistant was going to her mother's house in Santa Monica so Lindsay went there. It just so happened that the assistant's mother was pulling into the driveway as Lindsay arrived.Dante says the mother panicked at Lindsay's crazy driving, and backed out of the driveway in fear -- not knowing who was behind the wheel. The guys say Lindsay then began to chase her at speeds of up to 80 mph through Santa Monica, blowing multiple red lights.

(Apparently, Disney teaches NASCAR driving techniques to all their young talent. I hear Christina Aguilera is running in Daytona next year.)

Dante realized the mother was driving to the police station and the two cars stopped in a parking lot near the cop shop. When police arrived, Dante says it seemed as if Lindsay told officers, "I wasn't driving. The black kid was driving."

(The Los Angeles PD believed her and immediately beat the “black kid” to a pulp.)

(Yes, I made that last part up.)

Two other quick notes about Lindsay. She also sings. Well, she makes semi-mammalian noises into a microphone. How to describe this...get a rock and crush your own larynx. Then, down a shot of sulfuric acid. Begin mating with a whale, and finally, put on your headphones and sing along to a Celine Dion power ballad. That’s it. That’s her sound.

Now if this were any other singer, that would be crazy enough. But no, not her, she ups the ante. She sang the title track for her movie Herbie: Fully Loaded (and he probably was if she was in the car).

Do you know the chorus? The chorus for the theme song to a children’s movie? I know it because she says it ad nauseum in the music video, as she she thrusts and juts and generally copulates with her microphone stand. The song’s called first.

Here’s the hook:

Don't wanna be like

Every other girl in the world

Like every other one who wants you

Cuz when I see you something inside me burns

Then I realize I wanna come first

I wanna come first

This is me easing back from the keyboard. Some jokes just tell themselves. I...I have nothing else to say. I’d be crazy to say anything. Just like her.