Top Ten Things I Loved About Halloween 2007

1. You can sit on your porch and drink by Jack-O’-Lantern light. On a Wednesday.

2. My God complex is catered to. People approach you for candy as if they’re preparing to beg their lives from a King.

3. You can hide in the bushes and fire bottle rockets at mischievous adolescents and no one cares.

4. Judging who gets the good candy and who gets the purple colored rocks that taste like deep-fried cat piss doused in Splenda (Gross....Splenda.)

5. Seeing a one year old dressed as a ladybug and realizing that even Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would say, “Awwww.”

As we're white trash, we actually put this up in June.

6. Sarcastically berating the teenagers who show up with no costume and a bag. For example, an acne-riddled, voice-cracking teen dressed in a sweatshirt and jeans says “trick-or-treat,” and I say, “How creative, dressing as a looser for Halloween. That must really be a stretch for a hardworking overachiever like you.” Then I give him a purple rock.

7. Laughing as a 33 year old man, dressed as a vampire, asks for candy. Then feeling guilty after remembering that the guy was about six years ahead of you in school...and was in the CDC class.

8. The relieved chuckle once you notice that God’s special little Trick-or-Treater doesn’t notice your laughing.

9. Carving the pumpkin with the sole purpose of making elementary school kids cry in sheer terror. The goal being somewhere between Nancy Kerrigan’s hair-raising “why, why” sobs and me after I watched an entire season of FX’s craptacular new series, Damages.

10. Bringing out the crappy candy when the parents run out and conveniently “forgetting” to bring out the good stuff so that you can eat sweet confections right up to Thanksgiving. (Crinkly wrapper noise). Uhmmm, this Reese’s Cup is soooo good.