Magical Funtime Election 2008: Willy Wonka Attack Ad

I’m Willy Wonka, and I approve this message.

Thinking of voting for Santa Claus for funtime President? Maybe you should think twice.

Who is this Santa Claus?

He prefers the company of small children. And he really prefers them on his lap.

He and his wife aren’t legally married, but were joined in a “civil union” presided over by radical Icelandic Fundamentalist and known Magical Funtime Republic hater, Frosty the Snowman.

His cheeks are always ruby red because he has a substance abuse problem.

He has committed breaking and entering over 109,272,292,292 times and still has yet to serve one day for his crimes.

He refuses to seek medical treatment for his reindeer Rudolph, whose nose is afflicted with a staff infection.

Claus still hasn’t offered health insurance to his elves, who work 60+ hours a week and reside in milk crates—with big wheel tires for roofs.

Who is Santa Clause?

A tyrannical, animal-hating, unmarried, drunken pedophile that will break into your house.

Paid for by the Committee to Promote Everlasting Gobstoppers.