The Name Game

What’s in a name? A lot.

Recently, I was watching a little football and, as usual this time of year, bombarded with commercials for fall shows that are destined to be short-lived clunkers.

So many things can bring about the destruction of a show. Poor chemistry amongst the actors, bad writing, a FOX sitcom that’s non-animated, or it airs on CBS. Truly, it seems like a crapshoot. Who knows what’s gonna happen?

Who would ever think Joey from friends (you know, Joey—dumb like Homer Simpson, only not funny in any way) couldn’t carry his own show, or that Ray Liotta’s Smith, a CBS tale of thieves who were less likeable than the Kardashians and Hiltons put together, would get the heave after three episodes? (Can I just ask, what the hell happened to Ray Liotta’s face? Where did all that pasty white skin and pitted acne scars come from? They weren’t there in Goodfellas. They weren’t. Ugh...these are the things that keep me up at night.)

But there is one surefire way to tell if a show will make it or not. It’s not the star appeal of the lead actresses, like on Desperate Housewives, and it’s not overbearing but emotionally cathartic music, like on Grey’s Anatomy.

The sink or swim measure is the Title Test.

Does the title roll off your tongue in a way where you can see easily see yourself saying, “Hey, I’d love to come hang out, but I gotta watch (insert title here) tonight.”

And not only must you be able to see yourself saying it without hesitancy or embarrassment, you must see yourself able to repeat it on a regular basis. Let’s give it a try.

“Hey, I can’t make it to the pick up basketball game because there’s a new Lost on tonight.” Okay, it works.

“I’m so stoked, there’s a new Pushing Daisies on at nine!” Feels good out the mouth.

“Can’t talk now, Nip-Tuck is on.” “I’ll be late, have to catch the Office.” Nice.

Let’s try the new action show starring Christian Slater on NBC (I know, I thought he was dead too.)

“I’ll have to come along next time, My Own Worst Enemy is on tonight.”

Huh? Feels like I’m coughing up globules of snot-covered gravel. And how many syllables is that? Three or four hundred? This show won’t make it to the spring.

Let’s try a couple of CBS shows (though we already know how this movie’s going to end). “Sorry I missed the P.T.A. meeting last night, I had to check out Gary Unmarried and Eleventh Hour.”

Eleventh Hour. What happened to the first ten? And they must not have much to do if there’s only one hour left. Feels like I missed too much already, or the show won’t be around very long. Either way, I’m not watching.

As for Gary Unmarried, they should re-title immediately. Sitcoms that work have an easy to follow noun or a strong verb.

Seinfeld. Family Guy. Friends. Everybody Loves Raymond. Curb Your Enthusiasm. (Yes, I love It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Yes, it’s the only exception).

The title test works for actors and actresses as well. For example, yeah you loved Knocked Up. But can you ever see yourself saying, “I’ve GOT to see that new Katherine Heigl comedy!” (Change the name with Will Ferrell and the point leaps from this page and smacks you on the face.)

Want to know how the new thriller, Eagle Eye, will do at the box office? Say this out loud. “I’m going to make sure I buy tickets on fandango for that new Shia LaBeouf movie.” That film’s going to do worse than Sheeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhh’s right thumb after he decided to take Optimus Prime out for a fun night of drinking and driving. (For more on this, read here http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/07/27/shia-labeouf-dui-arrest-a_n_115205.html)

Now we’ll gage the new picture, Burn After Reading, which works on multiple levels. “Can’t wait to see the new Brad Pitt movie.” “I’ve got to check out that new George Clooney film.” “I have to see the new Cohen Brothers flick.”

Brightens my day just to say it.

Of course, the sad thing is, Sandra Bullock, George Lucas, and Robin Williams all once passed this test.

Ah well. I better stop. The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer is about to come on.

Oh wait. It’s not.