Ways of the Domesticated Male, Part I

Recently, I bragged to a female coworker of mine that I was fully domesticated. She looked at me quizzically, so I informed her that I did not mean I don’t tinkle on the carpet or scratch up the sofa (though believe it or not, I don’t), but that the path of manhood does have a higher plane which can be reached. Something beyond the easily achieved, somewhat valuable altruisms of remembering one out of every three anniversaries or an annual foot massage.

No, I’m referencing the higher order of male accomplishment, with specific regards to the familial front. I now present to you, the traits of a truly domesticated male.

1. Realizes that ketchup (and all condiments) are located in the space directly between their eyes and noses, on both the pantry and refrigerator.

2. Knows the sheer terror of sitting onto a toilet, and finding oneself plummeting into a watery abyss.

3. Understands that any gift involving plastic cards and a predetermined amount of funding will not result in romance.

4. Understands that it is the end result that counts, not the thought.

5. Does not elbow a woman awake so that she can take care of his child.

6. Comprehends that women see the transparency in a present meant for them that is any of the following: golf clubs, weapon, Sports Illustrated subscription, or most any other gift that he himself would enjoy.

7. Knows a night at O’ Charley’s and the matinee showing of Blade 4 is not appropriate for anniversaries or birthdays.

8. Will buy separate gifts for mate even if her birthday coincides with any holidays or anniversaries. Also knows that in that case “lump sum gifts” which claim to be the value of all special days combined will not be fully appreciated.

9. Stops to ask directions before running out of gas, or ending up in Alabama. Though some credit must be given if it is the former and not the latter.

10. Never, ever, ever attributes any domestic argument to the menstrual cycle, or any other facet of the female body. Which, if it were a board game, would be Mouse Trap.

More to come...

Mascara on a Scarecrow

Sarah Palin thinks Barak Obama called her pig. Don’t know the story? Here’s a quick recap.

Governor Palin, a.k.a. the Scourge of the Polar Bears, said in her now recycled speech—the same spiel she’s recited at every stop since the convention; she’s kind of like one of those broken animatronic dinosaurs they have on the Jurassic Park ride at Islands of Adventure; well, not exactly, the dinosaur said it wouldn’t force it’s hatchling to have a baby if it was raped—she said in her speech that the only difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull was...lipstick. Bad dum dum.

Several days later Obama said that McCain promising to invoke change while simultaneously promising to continue Bush’s polices was like putting lipstick on a pig, or wrapping an old fish in newspapers—it stills stinks.

Can you guess what the McCain-Palin camp did next? Come on, you can guess it. They’ve been playing the victim card better than fake handicapped Eddie Murphy in Trading Places. Think. Think hard. They’re good at this. They’ve had to be.

Otherwise the public might actually pay attention to the following facts (and yes, these are research based and vetted, unlike Palin. If even one of these facts isn’t true, I’ll delete my blog account forever. And I don’t mean true in the mirky, maybe there’s a one in a million chance you could interpret it this way true that McCain and Bill O’Reilly operate by. I mean completely true and accurate. Like red, white, and blue are colors of the flag that the Republicans so eagerly drape themselves in true.)

1. She was for the infamous Bridge to Nowhere and still pursued state funding for it when it federal dollars fell through.

She’s not a reformer.

2. She has said that the Iraq War is God’s task for America. Palin asked students to pray for the troops in Iraq, and noted that her eldest son, Track (his honest to God name), was expected to be deployed there.

"Our national leaders are sending them out on a task that is from God," she continued.


She’s not in touch with the average person.

3. She told churchgoers that God wanted a 30 billion dollar pipeline built though Alaska.

"God’s will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that gas line built, so pray for that," she said.

She’s not in touch with reality. Plus, it didn’t get built, so whoever she hears in her head sure ain’t God.

4. She did not actually sell the jet on eBay. First off, it is common for Alaska to sell big ticket items every few years. Her move wasn’t that of some maverick reformer cutting out wasteful spending, just simply following established procedure. Nine days after she took office, the Alaskan government already had three planes on eBay.

Unfortunately, her luxury jet never sold (big shock). So who’d she sell it to? Tee hee. She didn’t actually sell it, either.

Dan Spencer, director of administrative services at Alaska's Public Safety Department, informed the media that John Harris, the speaker of the Alaska House, arranged a sale to Larry Reynolds, a businessman who made campaign contributions to both Mrs. Palin and Mr Harris. He ended up paying only $2.1m for the aircraft, and now wants $50,000 from the Alaskan taxpayer to cover maintenance costs.

She twists the truth to her own political advantage, the same as those she’s aiming to replace have for the last eight years.

5. Her “executive” experience as governor of the sparsely populated state of Alaska, all two years of it, does not make her better equipped to deal with serious issues, if something should happen to John McCain.

Want to know her thoughts on Iraq? "I haven't really focused much on the war in Iraq."
That’s an exact quote.

She is dangerously uncurious about the grave conflicts threatening our national security.

This contradictory record, a record that would have doomed her candidacy had she been in this election for more than a couple weeks, is starting to be unearthed by reporters. So the McCain camp has cried sexism. Deployed Fox News, right wing radio (both of which skewered Hillary Clinton on a regular basis) and other Republican media to yell into their microphones that a hatchet job is being done to poor, innocent, she-is-perfect-and-has-never-done-anything-wrong-so-don’t-look-plus-she-has-the-same-chromosomes-as-Hillary-so-all-of-her supporters-should-vote-for-us-Palin.

But now they’ve outdone themselves. Truly. In an era when energy is of grave concern, when our brave young men and women are being left to police a fatally dangerous country indefinitely, when our economy has more holes than one of Mrs. Palin’s convention anecdotes, the McCain camp has all media debating whether or not Obama’s lipstick comment was “directed” at Palin.

And now, considering all this attention it’s gotten, I think I agree.

Yes, of course it was aimed at her. And, after a little time to think about it, I discovered several more instances where I think Mrs. Palin is being disparaged by Obama. Let me share them with you.

Last year Barak Obama said Ho-Ho-Ho at Christmas. He must have been calling Mrs. Palin a ho! That jerk!

It’s rumored that Obama told his kids they could watch Disney’s Lady and the Tramp. You just know he meant his wife was the lady, and Mrs. Palin was the tramp! That chauvinist!

Obama’s campaign slogan is “Yes we can.” But he doesn’t explicitly state that Mrs. Palin can, too. He thinks Mrs. Palin can’t! That pig!

Barak Obama said he loves his wife. But he doesn’t say that Mrs. Palin is deserving of love! That woman hater!

We don’t know if Obama loves hockey, so Obama must hate hockey. Mrs. Palin’s a hockey mom! That evil man!

Obama repsonded to criticism by saying "you just have to brush your shoulders off." He's implying Mrs. Palin has dandruff! That monster!

(Stopped to puke in my mouth.)

When candidates do absolutely nothing but attack their opponents, make up stories like middle schoolers, pleading “but I was picked on” so that they won’t be held accountable for vandalizing a locker, it means they have no good ideas themselves. This is how Bush stayed in office. With short stories about swift boats.

This is also how McCain and Palin would slither into office.

Gleefully skipping down the red state road, all the while ginning up wildly fantastical charges of sexism, and screaming, “pay no attention to the frauds behind the podiums!”

Go here. Watch Obama’s comments and judge for yourself. If you think he’s calling Sarah Palin a pig, you’re a total idiot and shouldn’t be allowed to vote or operate a motor vehicle. In fact, you’re brain dead and should seek immediate medical attention.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBmd_OujjKM)

The Name Game

What’s in a name? A lot.

Recently, I was watching a little football and, as usual this time of year, bombarded with commercials for fall shows that are destined to be short-lived clunkers.

So many things can bring about the destruction of a show. Poor chemistry amongst the actors, bad writing, a FOX sitcom that’s non-animated, or it airs on CBS. Truly, it seems like a crapshoot. Who knows what’s gonna happen?

Who would ever think Joey from friends (you know, Joey—dumb like Homer Simpson, only not funny in any way) couldn’t carry his own show, or that Ray Liotta’s Smith, a CBS tale of thieves who were less likeable than the Kardashians and Hiltons put together, would get the heave after three episodes? (Can I just ask, what the hell happened to Ray Liotta’s face? Where did all that pasty white skin and pitted acne scars come from? They weren’t there in Goodfellas. They weren’t. Ugh...these are the things that keep me up at night.)

But there is one surefire way to tell if a show will make it or not. It’s not the star appeal of the lead actresses, like on Desperate Housewives, and it’s not overbearing but emotionally cathartic music, like on Grey’s Anatomy.

The sink or swim measure is the Title Test.

Does the title roll off your tongue in a way where you can see easily see yourself saying, “Hey, I’d love to come hang out, but I gotta watch (insert title here) tonight.”

And not only must you be able to see yourself saying it without hesitancy or embarrassment, you must see yourself able to repeat it on a regular basis. Let’s give it a try.

“Hey, I can’t make it to the pick up basketball game because there’s a new Lost on tonight.” Okay, it works.

“I’m so stoked, there’s a new Pushing Daisies on at nine!” Feels good out the mouth.

“Can’t talk now, Nip-Tuck is on.” “I’ll be late, have to catch the Office.” Nice.

Let’s try the new action show starring Christian Slater on NBC (I know, I thought he was dead too.)

“I’ll have to come along next time, My Own Worst Enemy is on tonight.”

Huh? Feels like I’m coughing up globules of snot-covered gravel. And how many syllables is that? Three or four hundred? This show won’t make it to the spring.

Let’s try a couple of CBS shows (though we already know how this movie’s going to end). “Sorry I missed the P.T.A. meeting last night, I had to check out Gary Unmarried and Eleventh Hour.”

Eleventh Hour. What happened to the first ten? And they must not have much to do if there’s only one hour left. Feels like I missed too much already, or the show won’t be around very long. Either way, I’m not watching.

As for Gary Unmarried, they should re-title immediately. Sitcoms that work have an easy to follow noun or a strong verb.

Seinfeld. Family Guy. Friends. Everybody Loves Raymond. Curb Your Enthusiasm. (Yes, I love It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Yes, it’s the only exception).

The title test works for actors and actresses as well. For example, yeah you loved Knocked Up. But can you ever see yourself saying, “I’ve GOT to see that new Katherine Heigl comedy!” (Change the name with Will Ferrell and the point leaps from this page and smacks you on the face.)

Want to know how the new thriller, Eagle Eye, will do at the box office? Say this out loud. “I’m going to make sure I buy tickets on fandango for that new Shia LaBeouf movie.” That film’s going to do worse than Sheeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhh’s right thumb after he decided to take Optimus Prime out for a fun night of drinking and driving. (For more on this, read here http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/07/27/shia-labeouf-dui-arrest-a_n_115205.html)

Now we’ll gage the new picture, Burn After Reading, which works on multiple levels. “Can’t wait to see the new Brad Pitt movie.” “I’ve got to check out that new George Clooney film.” “I have to see the new Cohen Brothers flick.”

Brightens my day just to say it.

Of course, the sad thing is, Sandra Bullock, George Lucas, and Robin Williams all once passed this test.

Ah well. I better stop. The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer is about to come on.

Oh wait. It’s not.