Magical Funtime Election 2008: Wonka Violates Helpless Animals

Ladies and gentlemen, loompas and elves, a lot has been made of my record on skin wash. Let me assure you that I want all skin-blemished loompas to have affordable access to facial cleansers.

Now let me give you some direct talk from the direct talk express.

Willy Wonka fornicates with reindeer.

Fifteen years ago he sat on a board that studied the effect of gaseous Reindeer anal emissions on the ozone layer.

He and his hippie buddies, no doubt high after slurping down shots from the infamous Butterscotch Schnapps River that runs through the center of that Gomorra he calls a chocolate factory, had gathered to promote a scientific theory that reindeer emissions are causing some kind of global warming.

First off, other than the increased number of polar bear carcasses washing up on my front door, my increased comfort level in cargo shorts and Hawaiian t-shirts, and the new orange groves sprouting up in my backyard, there is no proof that this “warming” exists.

Heck, only 99,999,999 out of 1,000,000,000 scientists believe it’s anything more than a fanciful, merit less theory.

Second, we have camera footage of him violating a Reindeer to prove this egghead theory.

All in the name of science. Whatever the hell science is.

While it’s true the footage was lost in an unfortunate sled crash, you can believe this happened because I said it.

Willy Wonka.

He prods reindeer in the pooper.

What in God's name will he do to your children?

I’m Santa Claus, and I approve this message.

Paid for by Reindeer Against Cold Thermometers.

Magical Funtime Election 2008: Santa Claus Won't Help Loompas

The only thing fatter than Santa Claus’s waistline are the lies he vomits from his fat mouth.

Fact: Willy Wonka has done more for the Loompa community than any other leader.

Fact: All skin bleachings were voluntary and done to cure impoverished Loompas stricken with Volcano’s disease. A rare acne related illness that causes Loompas to develop orange sores that spew green puss.

Fact: The whitening is a harmless side effect.

What has Senator Claus done about this? We’ll let him answer.

“I think Volcano’s disease is an illness of the vain...we ought to make those filthy Loompas take a bath every now and then, then taxpayers wouldn’t have to pay for their little midget Clear-a-sil treatments!”

Santa Claus. An obese, hateful old man who’s out of touch.
And wants Loompas to have puss dripping down their face.

Gross.

Paid for by Friends of Volcano Be Gone Face Wash.

Magical Funtime Election 2008: Santa Claus Attack Ad

I’m Santa Claus and I approve this message.

Willy Wonka can’t be trusted to lead. Just look at his record as Candyland Governor.

Raised taxes ten times on peppermint stick income, leading to an unprecedented rise in halitosis cases throughout Candyland.

Supported the Healthy Skin Initiative, wherein 2,000 Loompas had their green skin forcibly bleached white.

Used taxpayer dollars to fund the rebuilding of his glass ceiling elevator shaft ten times—at a cost of 20 million dollars.

Agreed with current Magical Funtime Republic President Yosemite Sam that Funtime had to invade Cerealatoria, despite any real intelligence that proved Count Chocula had acquired weapons of mass marshmallows.

He sings creepy little songs that make children cry.

Willy Wonka. A racist who sings weird, breaks things, and likes bad breath.

Paid for by Reindeers for Santa.

Magical Funtime Election 2008: Willy Wonka Attack Ad

I’m Willy Wonka, and I approve this message.

Thinking of voting for Santa Claus for funtime President? Maybe you should think twice.

Who is this Santa Claus?

He prefers the company of small children. And he really prefers them on his lap.

He and his wife aren’t legally married, but were joined in a “civil union” presided over by radical Icelandic Fundamentalist and known Magical Funtime Republic hater, Frosty the Snowman.

His cheeks are always ruby red because he has a substance abuse problem.

He has committed breaking and entering over 109,272,292,292 times and still has yet to serve one day for his crimes.

He refuses to seek medical treatment for his reindeer Rudolph, whose nose is afflicted with a staff infection.

Claus still hasn’t offered health insurance to his elves, who work 60+ hours a week and reside in milk crates—with big wheel tires for roofs.

Who is Santa Clause?

A tyrannical, animal-hating, unmarried, drunken pedophile that will break into your house.

Paid for by the Committee to Promote Everlasting Gobstoppers.

Loompa Wrangling at the Movies: Burn After Reading

Seen the commercials for Burn After Reading? The film seems like it would be genuinely funny. Although, what’s with the dead body sticking out of the closet?

That’s the corpse of what could have been.

Before I get specific, I should probably lay down my barometer for Coen brothers movies. In my opinion they have made two great films. O Brother Where Art Thou? and No Country for Old Men. Comedy and drama. Two genres as distinct as motor oil and chocolate syrup.

While I have seen nearly every other one of their movies, they almost all have the same flaw—severe schizophrenia. They are creatures that can’t settle on one personality, and suffer because of it. Kind of like Lindsey Lohan, Tom Cruise, or Kanye West. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Intolerable Cruelty got all liquored up and chased me down the highway, or if The Man Who Wasn’t There converted to the First Church of Afterbirth Eating, ahem, excuse me, Scientology.

Burn had the potential to be every ounce as funny as O Brother. Brad Pitt is as hilarious as he seems in the previews. His crack-like addiction to his iPod was something familiar to most of us, and his ignorant enthusiasm made his every scene pop. J.K. Simmons, who many of you know as Juno’s dad or The Closer’s boss, or Spider-Man’s mean editor-in-chief J. Jonah Jameson, nearly stole the film with about fifteen lines. His closing monologue at the end of the film is well written and comedically perfect.

As for Clooney, he was entertaining for sure, but unlike O Brother, and a lot like Intolerable Cruelty, his character was quirk simply for the sake of quirk. It brought a few laughs, but ultimately felt like one of Sarah Palin’s speeches, hollow and programmed.

Frances McDormand, who, shockingly, still has one more Oscar than I do, was tolerable. Still, after seeing her thrust upon me in yet another Coen movie (six altogether), I’m left wondering how many parts she would have snagged had she not been Joel Coen’s wife. I suppose I should just be glad she didn’t show up in No Country, though I would have felt some sick sense of satisfaction had she been another victim of psychopath Anton Chigurh.

As for John Malkovich, no character best sums up Burn than he. The first scene of the film concerns his firing, and his visceral response to his bosses in their office. His lobbing of f bombs and uncomfortable, unbridled rage brought several gut-busting, laughs from the crowd. Imagine those moments on NBC’s The Office. The ones that are awkward yet completely hilarious, now let Steve Carell tell everyone to f-off and run wild with any other combination of expletive he likes.

But quickly his character begins to mope, to soul search. And since I paid seven bucks, I get to watch. Yipp and Eee. After a high energy, comedic start, the movie comes to a grinding halt for about the next twenty minutes (the runtime for this film said 96 minutes, but it felt much more like 120.) And I wasn’t alone. My special friend leaned over and said, “They sure are taking a looong time getting this thing started.”

Sweeping, melodramatic music is rushed in as Malkovich’s character contemplates his future. At first I thought this was meant to be sarcastic, a clever touch by the Coens, mocking the very idea that this could be a drama. But then they do it about ten more times and you start to feel like a visitor to a Pentecostal Church, the only one laughing when the person next to you starts drooling and speaking as if the dentist accidentally deadened their bottom lip.

After the third booming entrance of music, I stopped laughing and quietly thought about how against the grain this mood music seemed for such a film.

The film then continues on and has a hard fought civil war. It battles itself, comedy versus drama, much as I’ve witnessed in other Coen brother movies. Movies that should have spent less energy trying to be so damned smart and nuanced and more simply giving in to where the story and characters naturally wanted to go.

It’s like this. Imagine if O Brother Where Art Thou? murdered one of the main three guys, or if No Country for Old Men had Tommy Lee Jones telling jokes every ten minutes. It wouldn’t have worked. O Brother committed to the laugh and succeeded. No Country committed to a serious edgy tone, and was Oscar’s best picture.

But with Burn After Reading, well-acted and chuckle-packed it might have been, I was mainly left wondering what might have been had this script seen a psychiatrist and figured out what it truly wanted to be in life.

Rent it, but don't pay theater prices. It gets 3 out of 5 loompas, all with hatchets in their heads.